Chris Farley as a fat chick.
It’s true! Every fat chick I’ve seen has only been happy when they’re eating. It may not be the actual “being fat” that makes a fat girl unhappy. It’s the effects of being fat, i.e. people laughing at them, little to no sex, people raising an eyebrow whenever they decide to “splurge a little,” etc. The list goes on…
Fat girls, hopefully this article will help you despite its lack of political correctness. I opted for that phrase instead of “despite its lack of sugar-coating” because I didn’t want to make you hungry… Oh, wait… Oops. Just ignore that part about sweet, sugary, goodness that would be so yummy in your tummy right now and follow the Fat Girl Dos and Don’ts below. If you follow it to a tee (bone steak), then you’ll be A1, I mean, A-OK.
Fat Girl Dos
- Stop breathing on me
- Get up and walk around
- Lift weights. Lifting one-pound burritos to your mouth doesn’t count
- Wash under your folds
- Stop describing yourself as “Voluptuous.” Anna Nicole Smith (after weight loss) was voluptuous. At her largest, she was just fat.
- Hire a people-mover in case you fail miserably at your several-hundredth attempt to lose weight
Fat Girl Don’ts
- Don’t do aerobics at home if you don’t live on the ground floor. Common sense.
- Don’t get drunk when you go out. You’ll start thinking you’re hot and make a fool of yourself. Either that or you’ll get even more depressed. Just save yourself the trouble and eat some cake.
- Don’t prospect guys that don’t appear to be completely hammered. That’s the only way he’ll go home with you.
- Don’t be obnoxious. You’re already taking up enough space. No need to fill our ears with your slovenly banter.
- Don’t go to the beach. Please. Just don’t.
If you’re having a tough time accepting all of this, let me just leave you with this YouTube video of Chris Farley as a fat chick…
Told you.
